Transforming 5.6.2001 zoom level 1m
Grandfather Fire, helping spirits, hand-woven graduate thesis
2020-2021
2020-2021
While the hand-woven part of my graduate thesis weighed about 50 pounds in physical reality, it carried decades and perhaps hundreds of years (and more) of weight in ancestral baggage. I carried this around with me for 5 years and was finally ready to release it this year (2021).
After my thesis show was over in 2016, I rolled up the woven floor piece and encased it in thick black plastic bags. I (literally) dragged it with me halfway across the country from Indiana to Maine. And there it sat on my studio steps like a giant cancerous growth that had been sheared off and yet not discarded. I felt guilty and burdened every time I walked by it, which was multiple times every day. So, not an ideal situation.
In July 2020 things had shifted enough that I was ready to cut it open and see what was inside. Had mice moved in? Bugs? Snakes, even (which would have been AWESOME, and I would have been thrilled about that, btw). But, no mice, bugs, or snakes. It smelled kind of musty but nothing terrible. I was somewhat shocked.
After my thesis show was over in 2016, I rolled up the woven floor piece and encased it in thick black plastic bags. I (literally) dragged it with me halfway across the country from Indiana to Maine. And there it sat on my studio steps like a giant cancerous growth that had been sheared off and yet not discarded. I felt guilty and burdened every time I walked by it, which was multiple times every day. So, not an ideal situation.
In July 2020 things had shifted enough that I was ready to cut it open and see what was inside. Had mice moved in? Bugs? Snakes, even (which would have been AWESOME, and I would have been thrilled about that, btw). But, no mice, bugs, or snakes. It smelled kind of musty but nothing terrible. I was somewhat shocked.
My first attempt at transformation was as laborious as it was ineffective. I decided I was going to "unweave" my thesis. And create something new with the yarn. I couldn't just throw it out, and this is the only method that was making sense at the time.
Long story short, it didn't work. I spent hours unweaving, and I even developed a neat method where I affixed the weaving to a table using clamps so I could more easily/quickly pull out the weft. This left behind a deceptively lacy warp & weft, since the fluffy weft was essentially just floated in there while the carpet warp was actually more tightly woven together. Meaning, while I had removed the bulkiest yarn, I was still left with an intact cloth that I really couldn't unweave (assuming I didn't want to spend every minute of the rest of my life working on it). My word. I thought it would never end.
More time passed, more things happened, and things shifted again.
More time passed, more things happened, and things shifted again.
I put my work into words. All of the feelings, the baggage this represented for me. Not just for my own personal experience. In fact, not even "mostly" for my personal experience. It felt like I was speaking for generations in my family who struggled with these issues that were passed down as the worst possible and most unwanted inheritance.
Along with the words came the knowledge that full transformation would happen only with the help of Fire. The prospect of burning 50 pounds of cotton fabric stopped me for about three months. How would it even work? I've never burned anything that big & dense before and I only had a small fire ring at the time (literally a ring of rocks I put on the driveway-- no hole, even).
But, even when I felt stopped, things kept moving. I bought a fire pit. Shortly after I found myself pulling the weaving into the driveway one night at dusk and IT WAS TIME.
But, even when I felt stopped, things kept moving. I bought a fire pit. Shortly after I found myself pulling the weaving into the driveway one night at dusk and IT WAS TIME.
I cut the weaving into ~10"x10" pieces and didn't even need any accelerant. The whole burning took about five hours. I was left with a huge pile of ash, which I have since released in various places.
Spirit was out in full force for this burn.
And that's it, I'm moving on. I do have about 10 balls of yarn left from my attempt at "unweaving". I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them, and am not in a hurry to figure it out. I'm grateful that the greater arc of this project has come to a close.
And that's it, I'm moving on. I do have about 10 balls of yarn left from my attempt at "unweaving". I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them, and am not in a hurry to figure it out. I'm grateful that the greater arc of this project has come to a close.